Relational Dialectics

A Dialectic are contradictions that relationships face and continuously sway between the two. There are three types of Dialectics: Integration and Separation, Stability and Change, and Expression and Nonexpression.

Integration and Separation is the first Relationship Dialectic. In the movie, The Notebook, Noah and Allie experience internal and external characteristic of Integration and Separation. Internally they seek separation because they fought constantly, and after the summer was over, they wanted to be apart, but really, they wanted to stay together. Even through all the fighting and Allie's family's disagreement, they felt complete when they were together (correctedness). They had times when they wanted to be together and share secrets with each other, while their were times they wanted to spend times with their friends Finn and Sarah, or with Noah's family. Allie wanted to spend time with her family as well, but her family made them feel out of place, which is part of Stability and Change.

In the show, Gilmore Girls, Rory goes to college and is separated from her boyfriend Dean (during the second year of college). She tries to keep up in her studies while he tries to make as much time as possible to see her. Rory had certainty that their relationship would be fine (even after their affair while Dean was still married). Dean on the other hand, questioned their relationship (uncertainty) through the distance, his failed marriage, and his trust being shattered by Rory before. The uncertainty and certainty displays the couple's internal relationship under stability and change. The couple also faces external qualities like conventionality and uniqueness. Together in Starshollow, the small town in Connecticut where the majority of the show takes place, their relationship is usually accepted (conventionality). However, with the ex-wife and her family around, they are also faced with being unique and not as accepted (uniqueness). They also faced Rory's grandparents who did not approve of Dean and chose to introduce Rory to "acceptable" young men, and not follow in her mother's (Loralie) footsteps. Rory's relationship to dean and Loralie's life in general, including having Rory at a young age, is seen as unique externally.

Expression and Nonexpression is the final dialectic. Monica and Chandler (from the television series Friends) start their relationship as a secret. The external part of this dialectic includes concealment. Monica and Chandler spend the first part of the relationship keeping their relationship from the other friends, afraid of how their friends would react. As time went on, Joey discovered their secret, as Monica and Chandler disclosed to Joey the whole story, asking him to continue to keep a secret (the beginning of the Revelation). Not very long after, the rest of the group discovers their secret and they reveal they are in love, and the relationship is not just a fling. They internally learn about being opened and closed in the relationship. They tried to make each other jealous, leading into a fight. When Monica and Chandler worked out their fight, Chandler assumed they were going to break up, as he had in previous relationships. Monica shared that all couples lied and that they were officially in a relationship, leaving several feelings and thoughts that were closed, to opened.

I agree with this theory. I think most couples fall under at least one of the dialectics, but there are some relationships that are more familiar with all the dialectics and each internal and external detail.

References:
Griffin, E. (2006). A first look at communication theory (6th ed.). Boston: McGraw Hill.